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Here’s the deal.
Right now, I don’t know how I feel.
I don’t know if I want to.
I want to get out of this school, I want to be happy.
I’m fucking SICK AND TIRED of playing proverbial hide and seek with practically everyone I know.
I don’t understand the logic in the things these people do. (Wow, I think I’ve probably heard them say the same thing about me once or twice. Small-fucking-world.)
I don’t understand why they waste all of their time and energy loathing every piece of land that I put my foot on, every molecule of air that I breathe, why they put so much effort into hating everything I’ve ever said and done, why they dwell constantly on the fact that they think I have done something to wrong them.
Why is it, that as a young adult, I feel like I’m surrounded by people who have the common sense and maturity of sadistic children in Junior High?
WHY is it that you CANNOT accept the fact that I AM human and I DID fuck up and that sorry means sorry? That’s ALL I can say. That’s it. The end.
There’s nothing neither you nor I can go back and do to change it.
So WHY is it still an issue?
WHY is it that you think you’re ANY better of a person than I am?
You waste so much of your anger recounting, and putting fresh salt in the wounds that you yourself have made deeper than I initially inflicted, you put so much effort into constantly reminding yourself what a horrible person I am, how is it that you think you’re any better of a person than I am?
YOU are the ones who STILL spend time hating me, YOU are the ones who cannot forget and are incapable of forgiveness.
YOU think constantly that I am a bad person, but what makes you think you are so infallible?
What makes you think that my mistakes are so much larger than ones you have made, or very well could make yourselves?
You dislike me.
So I stay away.
I do not talk to you, I do not attempt to, I avoid you, and I don’t make any possible contact with you.
So explain to me why it is that you continue to constantly hold a grudge?
I do not by any means wish to be a minor part of your lives anymore than you wish to be a part of mine, but what good are we doing playing stupid games like this?
I try so very hard to not let it affect me and yet somehow, you still manage to penetrate even my thickest, deepest barricades.
It almost makes me wonder if you want to keep me frustrated so that you can get some response, but I’ve been dormant for so long, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to harbor the disgust and disappointment.
Do you want a trophy? A medal? A gold star?
Do you want me to announce to the world that you won?
Is that what you need to stop this?
I know you say bad things about me; I know you think that I am indeed, scum of all scum.
And by thinking that of me, how are you ANY better?
Please tell me, maybe that will help me understand.
I NEVER claimed to be prettier, smarter, more idealistic, philosophical, wittier, brighter, more artistic, more ANYTHING than ANY of you.
And if in some spur of the moment angriness, I made such a statement that you have some physical proof of, I didn’t mean it.
The ONLY thing I have ever said that I am is human.
And that I did fuck up.
And that I am sorry.
What more can I do?
Stop dwelling.
It makes you look just as bad as I am.
And god forbid we be on the same level!
In order for the balance of the world to stay constant, I have to be at LEAST 10 below you, correct?
Or is it more?
I don’t know anymore.
I feel like many of the few friends I have are wavering, and are around when convenient.
And you told me that would happen.
10 points! You’re right!
I feel just as shitty as I’m sure you wish I did.
10 more points! Hooray!
I’m alone, and I’m upset, and I’m actually fairly miserable.
20 points! YOU’VE WON!
I’m sick.
I’m sick and tired of all of it.
I trust one person aside from myself.
I feel betrayed in one way shape or form by nearly everyone else.
(With a few minor exceptions.)
And that’s probably EXACTLY what you’ve wanted.
So give it up.
You win.
I lose.
Game over.
I’ve said shit.
You’ve said shit.
And none of it is any less mean than the other, I can almost guarantee it.
[/end rant that’s been living in my head/the bottom of my stomach for the past 6 months.]
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